I have recently noticed that when I speak on an issue that I may have an opinion about, I guess (or am assuming due to others reactions to me responses) that people who know me up close and personal are used to me not really speaking up on things or speaking in general, conflict ensues. I think. Every one who knows me also knows that I really do not like conflict and will try to avoid it at all costs. Just today alone I have had three arguments/disagreements with people that I love dearly. I am afraid of arguments. They lead to painful words being exchanged and hurt feelings and sometimes loss of friendships or relationships or just straight up mean and nastiness. I don’t like negativity or “unnecessary roughness”. Now that I am thinking back on some things, within the last six months I have had arguments/disagreements with my mom, my sisters, my cousin, and two of my friends. This is MORE than enough for me and COMPLETELY out of character for me. I am very passive but privately feel that people close to me mistake my ears and kindness/love for toilet paper. I have anxiety and now wonder if one of the people I had an argument with today is going to call me anymore since this same person said “jokingly (I didn’t know this person was joking and wasn’t shit funny at that particular moment but uh, yeah) that they were not going to call me any more since I didn’t answer my phone and was busy. Bullshit!... I may be a goofy woman but I have very realistic expectations so if and when I actually get the nerve up to say that maybe something is being exchanged that I don’t agree with or question why people say certain things to me, well, it surprises me that they are surprised by me saying something and act as if I don’t have the right to speak but I have just as much as any one else. This same group of people has roasted me for not speaking up when I should. I don’t know. A friend said to me that when people are having a conversation they may not use the actual dictionary definition of a word in a sentence and this is just normal. In my brain, I am searching and making sure or trying to make sure that the words I choose are appropriate for what I am discussing and know what they mean. Someone else also said to me “don’t take my words like bricks” or stones or some other choice of a rock-solid thing. That seems like too much to ask of me, meaning, I think I am incapable of doing such a thing. I love words. I love how fantastically effective/powerful they can be. With out them, there is so much that would go misunderstood or just completely ignored. I consider my self to be a pretty good conversationalist and most people would agree. I, quite possibly have lost the meaning of “talking” and the verbal exchange for just the simple sake of exchanging. My brain hurts and I feel a little sad at the conclusion of this Sunday. This journey leaves me confused.
Guess I’m at a loss for words or at the mercy of mercy’s waiting list.
Conversation: *An informal interchange of thoughts, information, ect., by spoken words; oral communication between persons; talk; colloquy.
Talk: *To communicate or exchange ideas, information, ect., b speaking
* According to Dictionary.Com...
feelin like a prisoner, trapped in the heat of the moment
3 comments:
Unfortunately, there is going to be a time of disagreement. The strength of the relationship lies not in the ability to avoid conflict but the ability to remain adults throughout the entire exchange. Personally, I am never surprised that people disagree with my statements or rationale. The surprise lies in the content of what is being said. My mother always raised me to "eat the meat and spit out the bone". Long story short...avoid all the dramatics and listen for the main point of the conversation. And a small note...SORRY, cant help it. If you voiced more disagreement with the exchanges that you speak of, sensitive subjects to you may not appear in the conversation. Don't cook my face well done, think about it.
..thanx for the advice
NOT!!!
Comment I'm leaving for points.
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